put decorations for yourself

For the first time since I became an "adult" (if anyone truly becomes one) I decorated the house for my own birthday. I cleaned, baked and decorated my cake, hung decorations, and welcomed loved ones. It's not the first time I've celebrated my birthday.

But it's been a few years since I truly celebrated. In my childhood, my mom was responsible for organizing bithday partys and inviting my friends. Now, I can only imagine the weight and anxiety of throwing a party for a child, the responsibility of creating happy memories for a little one. In my pre-teen years, I had groups of friends who, for several years in a row, threw me "surprise" birthday parties.

My birthday coincides with a city festival where I live, so in my independent teens, I started celebrating with friends, away from my family. For some reason, before the pandemic, I stopped liking the chaos of large crowds, wandering aimlessly, having to meet people in an overcrowded neighborhood, with sun and beer in the mix. Since then, on the day that marks my arrival in this madness called life, I either get sick, do nothing, or go out to eat with C. (boyfriend).

Yesterday I decorated the house for myself. And, when people arrived, bringing food, gifts, more decorations, and we sat down chatting and filling up balloons, I felt SO loved.It had been a while since I felt this sense of being celebrated, of a new year beginning, of a fresh start, of new possibilities. I could remember that a birthday party isn't just about throwing glitter in the air because many years ago your parents had some fun and you were forced into this world.

I remembered that birthdays are about gathering people to celebrate and be thankful for the fact that you are here, with them. Is taking a moment to wish that the world and your own body allow you to share more of this connection and time together.

That's when I realized that, deep down, the years I didn't throw birthday partys were because I was waiting for someone else to take the lead and organize it for me. Some part of my brain clung to the feeling that I should just come home, find everything ready and waiting for me, and I would need just to enjoy it.

The result was anguish every time the day approached, the frustration that, in adulthood, things weren't happening as they did in my childhood and teenage years. I started pretending I didn't like celebrating my birthday anymore, when in fact I was just sad..

But this year I decided to decorated the house for myself. I took on this responsibility that I had been placing on people who would never know what I expected, because, of course, I never opened my mouth to ask anyone to become my personal birthday organizer.

Decorating the house for myself was a switch that opened a sense of self-responsibility I didn't expect. It's a good feeling, maybe a silly one, of control. Silly because it was to be expected that a woman, who has been paying her own bills for quite a few years, would feel more in control of her own actions. When, in reality, I kept waiting for an external factor to act for me.

This blog is the result of this small internal revolution. Since I bought my laptop last december (another "first" in my life, the first that's mine-only-mine-paid-with-my-own-money), I've been rediscovering a new way of navigating this vast internet, something I used to do masterfully in my childhood and teenage years, but was lost with the boom of social media and doom-scrolling feed format.

Over the last two months, creating a blog has been a constant thought in my mind, and realizing that the blogging community is alive and breathing without life support was a happy surprise and motivation (today we're being called "indie blogs," right?👀). Remembering that there is personal, individual, creative content creation has been incredible.

All this talk is just to kick things off here! This will be my little corner on the internet to: